


How to Cope

by MagpiePair



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Angst and Fluff, Crying, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Lee Jooheon-centric, POV Hyunwoo, POV Shownu, Panic Attacks, Stress
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-01
Updated: 2020-11-01
Packaged: 2021-03-09 04:21:06
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,492
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27328705
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MagpiePair/pseuds/MagpiePair
Summary: Jooheon bottles up his stress and uses unhealthy coping mechanisms to deal until he ends up in the middle of a full-blown panic attack. The others are there for him.
Relationships: Chae Hyungwon & Lee Jooheon, Im Changkyun | I.M & Lee Jooheon, Lee Hoseok | Wonho & Lee Jooheon, Lee Jooheon & Everyone, Lee Jooheon & Lee Minhyuk, Lee Jooheon & Son Hyunwoo | Shownu, Lee Jooheon & Yoo Kihyun
Comments: 2
Kudos: 36





	How to Cope

**Author's Note:**

> Hello, everyone! Thank you for clicking, and I hope you enjoy!
> 
> Yes, Hoseok is here, because these fics are nothing if not very, very self-indulgent lol

Something has been troubling Jooheon. That much is clear.

Hyunwoo frowns as he watches Jooheon slip quickly from his bedroom to the bathroom, traveling from one closed door to the next as quietly as a mouse as though to avoid detection or confrontation. Hyunwoo’s eyebrows furrow even as Hyungwon stares at him over the kitchen counter and says around a glass of water, “You know your face will get stuck like that.”

He sighs, feeling entirely too frustrated to retort. Jooheon’s absence from where the rest of them are gathered in either the kitchen or living room, preparing to enjoy a terrible movie, is only the latest in a long line of warning signs. Jooheon’s behavior has been increasingly off for the past two weeks- whether holing himself up in the studio or staring off into nothing mid-conversation. Hyunwoo wishes he knew what was wrong and how to fix it. 

“Are you guys coming?” Kihyun directs to the duo in the kitchen. 

Minhyuk tosses a piece of popcorn at Hyungwon from the couch, only to stand and pick up the mess from the floor at Kihyun’s death glare.

Hyunwoo spares another glance toward the closed bathroom door, and he turns in time to see Kihyun and Hoseok follow the direction of his stare. Their eyes seem to echo his worry, but Hoseok can only shrug and clear a space next to himself on the couch for Hyunwoo. 

There’s nothing they can do to force the other to come to them or share what’s on his mind. They’ll just have to be there for him in any way that they can and hope that that will be enough. 

\--

“Jooheon!” Changkyun calls for the third time.

Hyunwoo watches with sympathy as the other startles out of his trance. “Wh-what is it?” Jooheon responds once he refocuses his attention on the maknae. 

“I was just asking if you wanted to go to the convenience store with me...” Changkyun’s voice is small, dispirited in naked concern. It is as if he already anticipates the rejection that will follow.

Surely enough, Jooheon waves a hand and says, “Sorry, Kyun, maybe another time.” He offers no explanation and merely stands from his seat to retreat back to his bedroom. 

Again, Hyunwoo just watches him go. It has been like this a lot lately. Not just the avoidance, but also the jumpiness. While Jooheon is normally easily startled, he now seems set off by the slightest of things, as though his mind were somewhere else entirely before anyone dared to try and break through the fog. Even in their off time, Jooheon is so tightly wound, like a coil about to be sprung. 

Jooheon’s anxiety creates a similarly tense atmosphere among his teammates, easily seen from the set of Kihyun’s shoulders as he prepares a pot of tea or the sighs Hoseok lets loose in between his morning stretches and sit-up reps. 

Although the motherly Kihyun and empathetic Hoseok are the most obvious in their concern, it is clear that Jooheon’s mood has been affecting them all. They are used to their cheerful Joohoney, mood-making alongside Minhyuk and trading off entertaining banter with Changkyun. Even when he is pouty, it is exaggerated and joke-y, designed to lift their spirits and make them laugh. He is always looking out for them, and they just want to be able to do the same for him. 

Perhaps that is why they find themselves doing the things they do- Changkyun inviting the other to leave the apartment and Kihyun preparing tea, sure to offer some to Jooheon. Anything they can do to get through to Jooheon or help him to relax.

After all, Jooheon’s methods to combat his stress levels leave something to be desired. His actions only seem to further cement the funk that he is in. Hyunwoo recalls how Jooheon had shared meekly one night, when Hyunwoo had practically cornered him when he was sleepy and vulnerable, that he is worried about his productivity. And so Jooheon has thrown himself lately into his work, putting in long hours at the studio which leave his members more worried than ever.

Hyunwoo has also seen from Jooheon’s exhausted expression that night and the eyebags that follow him this morning that he is troubled by lack of sleep. And so he stays up, allowing the glare of his laptop screen to burn afterimages into his retinas. Hyunwoo had grit his teeth the first time he stirred in the early morning to observe Jooheon looking dead on his feet as though he hadn’t slept a wink- it brings Hyunwoo no small measure of discomfort to imagine how often this must go on for Jooheon. 

As Hyunwoo notices Kihyun pour two mugs of tea before hesitating by Jooheon’s closed door, he thinks back to how the others have attempted to be there for Jooheon recently. Minhyuk had offered a simple “Want a shoulder massage?”; Hyungwon had suggested “Wanna play this new game? I swear it’s really fun!”; Hoseok had settled for the good old-fashioned grabby-hands gesture after plopping on the couch, clearly asking the other to rest with him while cuddling. Jooheon had gently turned down each of these attempts, even as his eyes showed a certain longing. 

As Hyunwoo reflects on how the rest hang around Jooheon, he feels all at once inadequate, like he hasn’t done much himself. Perhaps it is a side effect of being an emotionally constipated robot, as his members tease him.

He resolves to make more of an effort to be available for Jooheon through whatever has got him so stressed, for this hard time that he is going through. If nothing else, even if Jooheon doesn’t take him up on it, he needs to show Jooheon that he has him whenever he needs him. For anything he needs.

He internally cringes at the cheesiness of his thoughts, even as he knows that he means every word. He will simply have to find a way to express as much without verbalizing it, as words are hardly his strong suit. 

\--

It all builds up and comes to a head at a rehearsal for a stage performance.

“Uhh... has anyone seen Heonnie?” Minhyuk calls out, sounding as troubled as Hyunwoo has ever heard him. 

Because suddenly Jooheon is nowhere to be found. 

Hyunwoo checks his phone- it is a mere 10 minutes before their call time. Jooheon has never gone M.I.A like this during work, never this close to when they had to be on. 

“Have you checked the bathroom?” Changkyun’s voice pierces through the din in Hyunwoo’s mind, his thoughts that had begun racing a million miles an hour as soon as he realized Jooheon was not with them. 

“On this floor, and the one above, and the basement,” Minhyuk recounts solemnly. He wrings his hands together, his fidgeting only serving to increase the tension in the room. 

“He didn’t say anything to anyone?” Hoseok interjects. An unneeded question. Jooheon hasn’t said much of anything to any of them in the past few days.

“I sent him a bunch of texts, but they’re all showing up as unread,” Hyungwon reveals. Even as he says this, his thumb is flying over the call button as he lifts his phone to his ear. It goes unanswered. 

No answer. No note left behind. No Jooheon. Hyunwoo’s eyes dart to every corner of the room, and he sees how the others match him in their panic. 

Kihyun appears especially freaked out at Jooheon’s lack of response, and he is already standing by the exit, one foot out the door, when he suggests, “We should go look. If no one can pinpoint where he is- well, he might have even left the building. Anything could have happened-”

“Let’s not jump to any conclusions. We don’t have any reason to believe he’s not in the building. Not yet, anyway. Let’s just start looking on different floors and message the group chat the second anyone finds him, deal?” Hyunwoo says in his best leader voice. He is proud that he comes across a lot calmer than he feels. 

Their manager tries to stop and interrogate Hyunwoo about the situation, but he leaves the explanation to Hyungwon, instead darting out of their dressing room door to begin his search. 

...

After an agonizing time spent scouring the halls and panicking, Hyunwoo finally finds him in a hallway by the back exit stairs. His figure is small and curled in on himself, and both relief and concern flood through Hyunwoo.

He shoots off a quick text to the group chat to let them know where they are, thinking only of appeasing his members’ panic before thinking to assess the situation and whether or not to stop the rest of them from coming. 

The corridor is dimly lit, which seems very appropriate for the situation. But there is enough light for Hyunwoo to see tears streaming down Jooheon’s cheeks. Jooheon jostles when he sees Hyunwoo, and Hyunwoo can recognize the sound of the younger trying to stifle his cries, choking down another bout of sobbing. Jooheon swipes a hand over his eyes, harshly rubbing at the already red skin. 

It makes for quite a sight, so Hyunwoo understands the gasps of their teammates when they pile into the hallway a moment later only to see Jooheon’s puffy, swollen eyes and hunched, shaking shoulders. His posture and condition break their hearts as much as it does Hyunwoo’s heart, he is sure. 

Jooheon turns to them, and a pitiful sort of whine gets caught in his throat. “You’re /all/ here... Great...” Despite the acerbity of his words, his tone is quiet, reserved. 

Hyunwoo takes a step closer but keeps himself from reaching out his hand. He’s not sure if Jooheon would respond well to that at the moment. “Can you tell us what you need right now?” 

“I could get you some water?” Changkyun volunteers. 

Minhyuk is less reluctant to get into Jooheon’s space, even as he says, “We could leave you be...?”

Hoseok looks like he wants to protest, even though he must know as well as Hyunwoo does that if Jooheon does want them to leave, the group would refuse to go further than a room away so they could keep an ear out for their troubled member. 

Luckily, that isn’t necessary. “No, you can stay. I- I just- I don’t know what I need right now, honestly. It’s just so hard to catch my breath and calm down.” 

Jooheon hasn’t reacted negatively to touch yet, and so Hyunwoo extends his hand to Jooheon’s and squeezes. It is killing him to see Jooheon hurting this much, and he wants to provide any small amount of comfort he can.

The group wait a few minutes for Jooheon’s breathing to steady out. Hyungwon rubs one arm up and down Jooheon’s back while Hyunwoo refuses to break the contact between their hands. The rest of them sit close by in the hallway, radiating unease.

When Jooheon seems a bit calmer, Kihyun speaks up. “Can you tell us what’s going on?” His voice breaks when he continues, “Please, talk to us. We want to help.”

The crying rapper looks down in shame. He is still unable to meet their gaze when he stammers through his explanation. “I- I just feel like there’s so much pressure lately, and I can’t keep up. It feels like we’re on a treadmill going a thousand miles per hour, at like- like the bottom of an empty swimming pool, and someone is slowly filling the pool with water. And I keep tripping and losing my footing, but I can’t do anything about it. And it feels like no one else will notice if I just let myself fall...”

Changkyun’s arms are thrown around him fiercely before he can even finish his thought. He whispers hushed into Jooheon’s hair, “That’s not true, of course we would notice and care. We’ve all seen you struggling over the past couple weeks and have tried our best, but we’re just not sure of the best way to help you.” 

“We can be idiots sometimes, but I promise we will do what we can, so please let us know when you feel like this,” Hyungwon adds. 

Hoseok shuffles over on his knees, crawling into position near their huddle so that he can pull Jooheon’s head to his shoulder. Jooheon lets loose a shuddering breath, seeming to relax or at least take comfort in the tender hold.

Hyunwoo stares fondly at his members, his eyes centered particularly on Jooheon. He feels lost with the admission of what Jooheon has been dealing with. He is no stranger to the sensation of being overwhelmed or stressed out, but what Jooheon had described sounds like a waking nightmare. What can they do for him to help him through this? Maybe if they could at least point to a specific cause... So he tries, “Do you know if there’s anything in particular that triggered this?” 

Jooheon’s eyes glaze over for a moment, and he makes to speak, but it is as though his mind blanks. His breathing gets quicker, and Hyunwoo feels his own mind blank as he recognizes the early signs of a panic attack. 

Hyunwoo’s voice is a little desperate when he continues, “Heonnie? It’s okay. It’s okay if you can’t talk about it right now. Why don’t we move somewhere more comfortable?” 

Somehow, Kihyun pulls Jooheon to his feet and herds him into a side room that mercifully has bright lighting and couches. The change in scenery seems to pull Jooheon’s focus from his own spiraling thoughts, and it is not long before he is once again able to return their touches. He brings one hand up to his own shoulder to rest on top of Hoseok’s hand. He also leans into Minhyuk patting his head. 

Changkyun breaks the solemn silence. “Someone should tell the staff where we are. I’ll go- I’ll tell them we need 30 minutes.” He runs off then. Ideally, they would ask for- no, demand more time... but they all know that they aren’t given these kinds of allowances or opportunities to recover and be healthy in this industry. 

Another few minutes pass without words, only tentative touches connecting each of the members. Hyunwoo is proud of the bonds they have forged with each other; it is a testament to their brotherhood that although Jooheon had tried to hide his struggles before, now that he has been laid bare and vulnerable before them, he trusts them enough to relax in their company. Even as tears continue to glisten on his cheeks. 

Changkyun rushes back into the room as though afraid he would miss something. He needn’t have worried. Jooheon seems to have waited, though whether it was for Changkyun’s benefit or his own, Hyunwoo couldn’t say.

Finally, Jooheon speaks. His voice is small and very much unlike himself, but the others are glad to hear him at all. He lifts his head a fraction as he tries to explain. “It’s, uh- ...the negative comments. I know I’m not supposed to look, not supposed to read or believe them, but it’s just so hard. I can’t be enough, I can’t catch up to you all. And they just- just made this black hole inside of me weighing me down that I can’t get out of.”

They wait, sensing there is more. Their patience is rewarded when he continues, “I know I’ve been stupid and that I shouldn’t have tried to deal with it on my own... Because even just having you guys near me like this, knowing you’re by my side, makes me feel like I can breathe again.”

They take those words to heart. Minhyuk and Hoseok’s embraces turn more crushing, while Changkyun, Kihyun, and Hyungwon each scoot in closer, surrounding him. Hyunwoo hangs back to keep from overwhelming him, but if he can’t make physical contact, he will rely on verbal reassurances to let Jooheon know how much he means to him. He will share every thought in his mind. He is not a “words” guy, but if it will help Jooheon, he would compose entire essays. 

“You know we need you, right?” he tells him. “You are just as important and just as good as the rest of us, so please don’t say that you’re not enough. I know it’s hard to ignore those comments, but you should remember those aren’t our real fans. The ones who love you are never far away,” Hyunwoo concludes with a smile.

And Jooheon smiles like he knows it’s true. The ones who love him… whether they are evident from a couple characters on a phone screen as a comment under one of their videos, or whether they are at the end of his fingertips. Hyunwoo’s expression melts into something even gentler as he pictures if Jooheon were to stretch out his arms at the moment- he would feel one of his brothers on every side of him.

Jooheon stares up at Kihyun who has begun pressing kisses into his hair. “Hearing that does make me feel better, even if it’s harder for me to believe. ...I’m sorry for worrying you all. I was scared of how I was feeling, and I didn’t want you all to see how weak I was or for my troubles to bring you down. So I ended up pushing you away, even more so when you doubled down about trying to find out what was wrong.” 

Hyunwoo nodded solemnly. He had seen how their worry and attempts to confront him had sometimes had the opposite effect. It was difficult not to try everything they could, however, when one of their own was so obviously hurting. 

Hoseok speaks then. “I hate that you were feeling so overwhelmed and pained, like- like you were trapped.”

Hyungwon adds, “And that you still felt like you were alone or that you had to struggle and deal with it yourself. You mean so much to me- to all of us, and I wish you could see that.”

Jooheon answers him with a sincere smile. “I do see that now. I think I always did, but I was just being stubborn.”

Minhyuk barks out a laugh- a strangled thing that betrays the tears gathered in his throat, but a laugh nonetheless. “That’s our Joohoney for you, stubborn to the last.”

“Hey!” Jooheon returns with no bite to it. He jokingly leans away from Minhyuk’s hold and throws himself into Changkyun’s arms instead. The maknae gladly accepts the hug. 

Hyunwoo will wait no longer to shower Jooheon with affection. He sidles over to Jooheon’s spot on the couch, not even caring how Hoseok protests when the action pushes him slightly out of the way. “That’s what it means to be in a team. You’re not dragging us down- it just gets worse if you don’t share with us or let us help. Whatever we can do, we will do happily.”

Jooheon preens under the attention, practically melting against them. Kihyun looks down lovingly at the younger boy, and he begins leading a train of compliments and praises for their troubled member. With no prompting, they trade off saying things they love about Jooheon and things that he does well. They talk about his rap, his smile, his voice. His laugh, his dimples, his kindness.

Through it all, Hyunwoo runs his fingers through Jooheon’s hair while Hoseok squeezes Jooheon against his chest. Minhyuk and Kihyun rub circles over Jooheon’s knees while Changkyun and Hyungwon press against either side of him, not caring about the way his bony shoulders dig into them.

They may be in a strange room in an unfamiliar building, but Hyunwoo can’t help but think it feels homey with all of his members around him. Jooheon at the center of their embrace looks lighter than he has in weeks. And while Hyunwoo isn’t naive enough to think their words and touches have cured him of all the stress and pressure he has been feeling, he thinks Jooheon has taken a big step in the right direction just by sharing with them. He hopes they’ll be able to help, but he feels grateful that he is able to be by Jooheon’s side at all while he fights against the demons in his head. They struggle as one, and at the end of the day, they recharge and gain strength from one another. 

That is reason enough for Hyunwoo to count his blessings. He lets himself think of everything they can do for Jooheon when they return to the apartment, getting excited at everything from the ideas of preparing his favorite meal to blasting his favorite playlist in the car on the way back. 

In the meantime, Hyunwoo flops over onto their group huddle, putting his whole body weight onto them. They protest half-heartedly, calling out “hyung!” 

But each of them only holds on tighter.


End file.
